What Is Marital Abandonment
God be gracious and give us understanding today!
We are in the midst of a text in which Paul addressed marriage and divorce in the Church. He has already stated that the Lord addressed marriage and affirmed the relationship God created beginning with Adam and Eve.
Today we move into Paul’s understanding of how to deal with a mixed marriage. This is a marriage between a Christian and an unbeliever. First, let me say that Paul would never approve of a Christian intentionally marrying an unbeliever. We are not to be unequally yoked with those who have no faith. The situation in Corinth is that one person in a couple has become a believer and now finds himself or herself unequally yoked.
Paul’s point in this text is that you should remain married if possible because the presence of a Christian in a family brings the blessings of God. Truth is revealed in both word and deed and the children of the union are blessed with the Gospel and assumedly, baptism.
The real issue I desire to address is the verse near the end of the text. Here is the text as a whole: But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if any woman has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not divorce her husband. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one is leaving, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us in peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
What is the difference between an unbeliever and a person who has faith but is living a life of complete disobedience? On the surface there is no difference! Faith is something we cannot see with our eyes. We can only accept a person’s confession of faith and then compare what is said with the life which is lived. If the two are in harmony, we believe the confession. This calls us back to James’ words: “Show me your faith without works, and I will show you my faith by my works.”
The real issue is when one person is either not a believer or has faith but is living contrary to all a Christian is called to be. When it comes to divorce in the church far too many women have been told to stay with a man who has brought both physical and/or emotional harm upon her. This is done all for the sake of declaring God hates divorce and as long as the man is willing to stay in the marriage, the woman must as well. All I can say to you is that as a pastor I disagree totally with this mindset!
When either spouse is made to suffer in a marriage, the spouse who is inflicting the pain has already forsaken what God declared a husband or wife to be. In the case of emotional abuse or physical abuse, the one who is being harmed has, by the actions of the abuser, been deserted.
I realize my understanding flies in the face of what so many people have been taught and what so many have believed. But I have seen the harm caused to so many people, especially women, who were told basically to suck it up and stay in the marriage. “As long as he is willing to remain physically present in the home, you can’t divorce him!” Give me a break! When have any of us ever seen the abuser leave the relationship? As long as a man can be in control and inflict pain on the woman, he is not going anywhere!
When this dynamic is present, it is the responsibility of the church, beginning with the pastor, to step in and provide the emotional and often the physical support for a woman (and children) to separate and find security and safety apart from the abusive man.
Please understand, I uphold the sanctity of marriage to the highest degree. I also uphold the sanctity of life to the highest degree! When a person is made to suffer because of a relationship, that relationship must end.
Divorce is never what is desired, but I have learned over the years that an abusive man is not able to change. The psychological disorders which move one person to dominate and abuse another are ingrained in a person’s psychological makeup and it is not possible for such a person to become someone different. Because of this it is irresponsible for a pastor or church to insist on a marriage remaining intact when one spouse is being abused by another. The responsible action is to help the abused escape the danger and rebuild his or her life.
In summary, desertion can be one spouse physically leaving! This does happen from time to time. One spouse becomes Christian and the other wants no part of the Christian faith and simply leaves. Paul says, we are not under any obligation to remain married at that point. End that relationship and see what relationships God opens the way to experience in the future. But desertion is not only physical absence. Regardless of the profession a person makes, if he or she is abusing their partner, desertion has taken place and the abused person is free to depart and seek a new life apart from the abuser.
You may not agree with me, but this is what I have learned over the years, and this is how I counsel people when they come to me with broken hearts and broken lives. May God have mercy on us as we seek to live for Him and share His love and grace.
In Christ,
Pastor Russ
We are in the midst of a text in which Paul addressed marriage and divorce in the Church. He has already stated that the Lord addressed marriage and affirmed the relationship God created beginning with Adam and Eve.
Today we move into Paul’s understanding of how to deal with a mixed marriage. This is a marriage between a Christian and an unbeliever. First, let me say that Paul would never approve of a Christian intentionally marrying an unbeliever. We are not to be unequally yoked with those who have no faith. The situation in Corinth is that one person in a couple has become a believer and now finds himself or herself unequally yoked.
Paul’s point in this text is that you should remain married if possible because the presence of a Christian in a family brings the blessings of God. Truth is revealed in both word and deed and the children of the union are blessed with the Gospel and assumedly, baptism.
The real issue I desire to address is the verse near the end of the text. Here is the text as a whole: But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has an unbelieving wife, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if any woman has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not divorce her husband. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one is leaving, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us in peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
What is the difference between an unbeliever and a person who has faith but is living a life of complete disobedience? On the surface there is no difference! Faith is something we cannot see with our eyes. We can only accept a person’s confession of faith and then compare what is said with the life which is lived. If the two are in harmony, we believe the confession. This calls us back to James’ words: “Show me your faith without works, and I will show you my faith by my works.”
The real issue is when one person is either not a believer or has faith but is living contrary to all a Christian is called to be. When it comes to divorce in the church far too many women have been told to stay with a man who has brought both physical and/or emotional harm upon her. This is done all for the sake of declaring God hates divorce and as long as the man is willing to stay in the marriage, the woman must as well. All I can say to you is that as a pastor I disagree totally with this mindset!
When either spouse is made to suffer in a marriage, the spouse who is inflicting the pain has already forsaken what God declared a husband or wife to be. In the case of emotional abuse or physical abuse, the one who is being harmed has, by the actions of the abuser, been deserted.
I realize my understanding flies in the face of what so many people have been taught and what so many have believed. But I have seen the harm caused to so many people, especially women, who were told basically to suck it up and stay in the marriage. “As long as he is willing to remain physically present in the home, you can’t divorce him!” Give me a break! When have any of us ever seen the abuser leave the relationship? As long as a man can be in control and inflict pain on the woman, he is not going anywhere!
When this dynamic is present, it is the responsibility of the church, beginning with the pastor, to step in and provide the emotional and often the physical support for a woman (and children) to separate and find security and safety apart from the abusive man.
Please understand, I uphold the sanctity of marriage to the highest degree. I also uphold the sanctity of life to the highest degree! When a person is made to suffer because of a relationship, that relationship must end.
Divorce is never what is desired, but I have learned over the years that an abusive man is not able to change. The psychological disorders which move one person to dominate and abuse another are ingrained in a person’s psychological makeup and it is not possible for such a person to become someone different. Because of this it is irresponsible for a pastor or church to insist on a marriage remaining intact when one spouse is being abused by another. The responsible action is to help the abused escape the danger and rebuild his or her life.
In summary, desertion can be one spouse physically leaving! This does happen from time to time. One spouse becomes Christian and the other wants no part of the Christian faith and simply leaves. Paul says, we are not under any obligation to remain married at that point. End that relationship and see what relationships God opens the way to experience in the future. But desertion is not only physical absence. Regardless of the profession a person makes, if he or she is abusing their partner, desertion has taken place and the abused person is free to depart and seek a new life apart from the abuser.
You may not agree with me, but this is what I have learned over the years, and this is how I counsel people when they come to me with broken hearts and broken lives. May God have mercy on us as we seek to live for Him and share His love and grace.
In Christ,
Pastor Russ
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